got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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