I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
In the future we'll all be gay
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
