Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
