dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
