dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
