I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
