when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
