He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Randomize
