I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
