she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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