Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's never too late to be topless.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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