I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize