Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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