why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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