what if I'm pregnant?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
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Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
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Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.