My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
