Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
