a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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