So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
