What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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