don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
