Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
