I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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