i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
