After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
