It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
