I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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