if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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