shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
