1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
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