I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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