dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
