did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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