I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
