omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
