Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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