Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
