I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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