I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
