I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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