I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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