The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
