Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
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