I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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