Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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