I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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