I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
