his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
