did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
