: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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