There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
