There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
