I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
