I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
