Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he was CRYING into my vagina
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
