I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
