i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
