What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have fence marks all over my body
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
