He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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