my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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