Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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